Understanding the Impact of Childhood Perfectionism
You may have grown up feeling like you let the world down if you "only" got 100% on a test because you got the two extra credit questions wrong. Or, perhaps you failed to live up to expectations—of yourself, a parent or a coach—if you got shut out in a soccer game, even if you were the team's leading scorer throughout the season.
Listen, there's nothing wrong with having goals. Heck, perhaps having high standards for yourself motivated you to try hard as a student or youth athlete, and you went on to earn college scholarships and be successful. However, that doesn't necessarily mean they were healthy then, and if your "high standards" were actually perfectionism, they may have caused long-term issues that are worth unpacking.
"Sometimes childhood tendencies served a purpose in the past, but actually hinder us as adults," explains Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health. "This insight into why we are the way we are is the first step toward changing them."
She says that people who were perfectionists in childhood often develop specific traits as adults. When you have self-awareness about these traits—and what contributed to them—you can start to heal from perfectionism and create a kinder internal monologue. Scroll on to get off the hamster wheel of perfectionism.
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What Perfectionism Is and Why Kids Develop It
Again, perfectionism isn't just about having high standards—it's more than that.
"The foundation of perfectionism is a belief that our worth depends on being completely free of all flaws," Dr. Guarnotta says. "This is harmful in childhood because it ties a child's sense of love and safety to how well they perform."
She says perfectionism is often a product of our environment.
"If a child grows up in a home with incredibly high standards, perfectionism can be a way of earning praise and feeling loved," she points out. "Perfectionism can also develop as a way to cope with anxiety and fear or rejection."
Yet, she adds that perfectionism can also trigger or feed into anxiety and a fear of failure or rejection.
"It also hinders children from learning how to learn from mistakes and trial and error, which are important life skills," she explains.
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Telltale Traits in People Who Were 'Perfectionists' in Childhood, a Psychologist Says
1. High-functioning Anxiety
On the outside, unhealed perfectionists can appear to have it all together—nailing work projects and seemingly winning at life overall. Inside, the wheels are chronically spinning, and the butterflies never stop fluttering. This is known as high-functioning anxiety.
"Adults who were perfectionists as children may develop a constant sense of worry and fear that they will fail or are not good enough," Dr. Guarnotta says. "Perfectionism becomes a way to cope with this anxiety, as it provides some temporary relief."
2. Harsh Inner Critics
The hidden and high-functioning anxiety people who were perfectionists as kids often develop has an accomplice: A completely rude inner critic.
"This is an inner voice that is critical and constantly judging," Dr. Guarnotta explains. "It might be internalized from another adult in their lives, like a parent or teacher. The inner critic tells them that they're not good enough and that they need to do better."
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3. Difficulty Making Decisions
It's understandable that adults who grew up as perfectionists dread decision-making when you consider that they've long considered even minor slip-ups unacceptable.
"Adults who are perfectionists since childhood often have trouble making decisions because they fear making the wrong decision," Dr. Guarnotta shares. "The idea of making a decision and being wrong creates so much anxiety that they develop 'analysis paralysis.'"
4. Procrastination
Dr. Guarnotta knows that you may find this one surprising—procrastination can seem "counterintuitive" when you're trying to get everything "just perfectly right." However, she reports it's a common trait she sees in adults who were perfectionists in childhood.
"Many adult perfectionists get so overwhelmed with fear that they won't reach their impossibly high standards, that they don't try at all," she explains. "This is a coping mechanism that gives them some temporary relief, but creates more problems in the long run."
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5. Difficulty Delegating
No one can carry the weight of the world alone, but people who need help recovering from perfectionism in children often feel internal pressure to try.
"Childhood perfectionists might find it difficult to delegate to others as they become adults," Dr. Guarnotta notes. "They often believe that if they want it to be done right, then they have to do it themselves. This can lead to chronic stress and burnout."
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6. Burnout
Dr. Guarnotta needs to double-click on burnout because childhood perfectionists experience it in spades if they carry these tendencies into adulthood.
"This happens when they are functioning at a high level of stress for a prolonged period of time," she warns. "Burnout increases the risk of anxiety, depression and even physical health conditions."
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7. Fear of Intimacy
Dr. Guarnotta also notes that children who are perfectionists can struggle to have intimate relationships as adults.
"They may worry that their beliefs of being unworthy will be revealed to others," Dr. Guarnotta reveals. "This can lead to avoiding relationships or keeping a 'guard' up."
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How To Heal From Childhood Perfectionism
1. Practice Self-Compassion
People who were perfectionists in childhood were harsh on themselves then and as adults. Self-compassion is a crucial first step toward a kinder, gentler internal monologue.
"Perfectionism is often fueled by a harsh inner critic," Dr. Guarnotta says. "Practicing compassion toward yourself muffles that critic."
She shares that one way to incorporate more self-compassion into your life is to list three things you appreciate about yourself and why.
"This helps you focus more on strengths, rather than perceived flaws," she says."
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2. Celebrate the Process, Not the Outcome
The good grades and impressive soccer stats you earned as a kid? Those achievements were the result of your hard work, but you may have gotten (well-intentioned) praise for the outcome and internalized it.
"Perfectionism tells us that success is all that matters," Dr. Guarnotta explains. "When a goal is achieved, a perfectionist experiences a temporary moment of relief, which is then followed by anxiety and a drive to do more."
She notes that when you take a moment to honor and reflect on your journey, you can shift your focus from the outcome to how you got there.
3. Try Mindfulness
We know the word is everywhere, but Dr. Guarnotta emphasizes that mindfulness practices have value, especially to people recovering from perfectionist upbringings.
"Mindfulness is a good tool for creating space between your thoughts and reactions," she says.
One practice she loves is "leaves on a stream."
"You visualize sitting on the bank of a stream, placing your thoughts on a leaf and letting them go," she explains. "It teaches you how to observe your perfectionistic thoughts without judgment. This 'space' from your thoughts helps reduce their power and allows you to choose how you want to respond to them."
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